The feeling inside…

I know, a few days have passed. But, I still can’t believe it. I don’t understand how I felt then. What make me want to do it. I knew perfectly that I miss it, a lot. More than anything else. But, because of responsibility, I couldn’t let down. I couldn’t just leave like that. I did not. But, what happened? I did not get what I want back in return. I know I did not put in my best. I know I did not do very well. But, I did try and want to do it. I don’t see that from them. I don’t know why, but they don’t seem to feel the way that I do. Am I wrong? Am I putting in too much effort? Or are they really that tired? I don’t know.

But, It made me learn. Made me understand truly that if there is only one person trying to work very hard whilst the rest doesn’t want it. It doesn’t work that way. Nothing will come out of it. Maybe it is very important to me, but if it doesn’t mean anything to them. Nothing will be achieved.

I thought through. Its not as though I did not say some of what she said before, in fact I repeated it quite a few times. Its not as though I’ve not explained myself clearly that I need their help. Its not as though they aren't trying to put in more effort. But, maybe it isn’t enough. Disappointed. Yes, I was very. I could guarantee myself at that moment. I could no longer find back the same old feeling 2years back. Its totally different. Yes, we did slack then, but everyone of us then put in our best.

I thought that things would be different when she is there. I thought that somehow when she is there, everyone would put in our best. Cause that was what happened to us in the past. But, it didn’t happen. I thought it did, but it didn’t. She put in her best trying to motivate us. But, we did not return back the same amount. I really don’t know why the rest seems as though nothing had happened. Was I too emotional? Maybe. Cause, its my weak point. My weakest point of all. But I don’t blame them totally.

Today, I’ve also realized. Almost 4years have passed. The long 4years that I’ve been waiting for. Its going to arrive real soon. I would say that I am quite happy about it, but also quite sad. Mixed feelings. Its nostalgic. How much I’ve changed through it. How have I learnt to think about things in another way. How much discipline I’ve gained since then. I was bad, am bad. But, its a different way. I am bad at times now, but I feel that I’ve tried my best to discipline myself. Also, I won’t forget those times where I rebelled, never. Its a hard way through here. But its all worthwhile. Disappointed at myself at times, but I guess its just part and parcels of life. ((:

-Juliana