I think …
I think I have learnt how to let go. I think. There are always people around, trying to spur you up with words that hurts a lot. But its okay, I guess. I have learnt how to ignore, even though it isn’t helping. But anyway what for think about it ? I don’t have much time to waste already.
Exams are coming up, in 2weeks time. I guess I will be off till then. But I am not sure. Cause you know, the temptation is hard to overcome. But I guess I will just have to practice more of self discipline. ((:
Sometimes, I feel really stupid. Always being there to see it I can help in anything. But, what does it ends up with? It ends up with me being used by others. Yes, I sound stupid right? It does not pays to be kind. Really. Some people just turns the back at you and stab you in the heart. Even though it may seem that its not on purpose, but what kind of friend will do that ? A good friend ? So funny . But I am not laughing.
People have been saying that I am too kind, that whatever things others call me to do, I will do. Okay, it sounds true. But, sometimes I am just doing it voluntarily. I don’t know why am I doing that. But, I shall just try to not do that anymore. Quite hard aye, cause its within me already.
Okay, i guess I have to go now.
Till then.
6:17 PM
Maybe …
Maybe I am in the wrong .
Maybe I had heard it wrong .
Maybe she did not said it on purpose .
Maybe I am just thinking too much .
Maybe I am too petty .
There are just too much maybes hovering around in my head. I don’t feel that much hatred to you. Maybe its just me . But I still feels that, nothing will make things be the same anymore. Or is it that I have not tried ? I don’t know .
7:00 PM
It still hurts. It really do.
I have not forgotten what you said, maybe its just a passing remark. But, I was hurt. Really. Maybe I don’t look like I will be, but I am. Its a fact. I am a human too alright. I can feel. You can’t? Too bad then.
It is not supposed to be insulting, but really. I thought that you are my friend. A close friend. But judging from what you have done to me, how you have treated me, and what you have said, I am confused.
Yes, I may seem to be nice, always clearing up your piece of shit that you always throw it to me. Yes, I do say hurting words at times. But I do apologise and crack a joke after that right? What about you? You just said that like its nothing. Of course, it may mean nothing to you, cause you ain’t going through it. But what about me? I was feeling real bad, and you just sprinkled salt to my wound. My hurt heart. Good friend yea? ((:
Do you know that I have been pondering over it for the past few days? Do you know that I have been thinking? Do you know how hurt it is? I don’t know who is the one whom have changed. You? Me? Both? But I guess it may be me, for it always seems to be me whom is at fault, always. Yea.
I admit, I am jealous. Jealous that you had done well, while me, done so badly. But that is not why I am sore. I am sore cause you have been taking advantage of me, and those words that you had said. Really.
How I wish that things will turn back to the past. How I wish things could be simpler. But, I don’t think it can. For from that day, things had changed. Totally. Even if I am able to do well the second time, it won’t turn back. I swear, it won’t.
Till then.
10:49 PM
I am not being emo or what okay.
This is my journal, just that its privatized to let everyone see it.
I am not trying to seek attention ! But yea..
This is a place, where my emotions run wild.
This is where the real me is, or maybe the hidden me instead.
So yea, back to the hidden me alright ?
I am just emo here, not any other place. ((:
I really felt disappointed. I had so much confidence in myself, and yet the paper was so hard. I thought that it would be easy yea. Its me again, complacent. When will I stop being complacent? Everyone is starting to put in a bit of effort. Almost all that I know handed in the homework, but not me. A lot are showing improvements, but what about me? Slacking around, that what I do. I guess I will start soon. Really soon.
I still can’t get over it. A few weeks have passed, I know. But, many have said that she isn’t as good, or maybe its hidden in her? I don’t know. But all in this 3years, I have not lost to her. And I feel that I can do a far better job than her. But why? Complacent once more? I am sore, I swear. I really am. I know I shouldn’t but, I can’t help it. She had hurt me with her words, I hope I heard it wrong, what a friend she is. I have lost to someone whom seems to be lousier than me. Heck.
I guess I should stop talking. Like really. If I could remain silent for a day, maybe things would get through, and I won’t be that tired. Maybe I should starting talking less, I guess. ((: But poor girl me, can’t do it. I am hyper ! ((:
Yea. Despite things not going right, life still have to go on. Everyone is stress. Cheers alright. It will be over, SOON ! ((:
Till then .
7:11 PM
Sometimes …
Sometimes, things are superficial.
What you see, may not be what its true.
Sometimes, what you like may not be what you are good at.
You feel lousy at times, but you are happy with it.
Sometimes, you just need one person.
That one person who will listen to you, and accompany through your darkest nights.
Sometimes, what is wrong may not be that bad.
At least you will be happier with your decision.
Sometimes, regrets are inevitable.
You will learn after the mistakes are made.
Sometimes, you will get hurt.
Its impossible to not fall.
Sometimes, when life is too tough
All you need is a break, from everything.
Sometimes, its doesn’t really matter.
You may be of a higher rank, but you are still lousy.
Sometimes, it only takes a smile.
To brighten up the dark day.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try.
Things are still hard, and the road is still rough.
Sometimes, no matter how much tears you shed.
The emptiness in your heart will not be filled.
Sometimes, its better to be quiet.
For you can then understand more.
Sometimes, all I need is someone.
That can really understand me.
It will be more than enough . ((:
10:02 PM
I guess it isn’t that bad after all.
It was rather ok today, except that it still comes to me at times. Nevertheless, no ones laughing, or is it that today’s not normal training? I don’t know.
But I feel myself healing. Parts of my heart is trying to stick together, slowly. I think that there shouldn’t me much rush, as the pieces are still weak, and may break anytime, I think.
But anyway, I guess I will be okay soon. Real soon. Even before I pass my test, I guess. ((:
I feel happy, but am not happy.
How irony, but quite true.
You feel happy, but when you look deeper inside, you may not be happy.
But anyway, make full use of time. ((:
Injured, I think.
8:19 PM
I am worried.
There are many ‘what if'’ in my head. I have seen such a scene before, but I never really know or understand how it feels, until that fateful day, where it happened to me.
I am really worried. If I become like that person, how? She worked so hard, but yet everything was in vain. She passed out with a rank 2 levels lower than majority of her friends. How?
If I am like her. I can’t take it for sure. I can’t. I used to have so much confidence, but now, not anymore. No longer. I used to enjoy it, but not anymore. Maybe I will enjoy it, but the hurt will still be there, until one day where I have succeeded. This may seem nothing to most of you, but its something that hurt me a lot.
Don’t lose hope, you guys will say. But, this similar thing have happened to someone. Someone whom obviously seems lousier than that person could succeed, but she didn’t. I am really afraid that such a thing will happen to me.
But, there is no point fretting over it now, even though I feel miserable. ((:
Someone’s reading it, I guess.
Don’t take it to heart, I don’t know will you.
10:39 PM
Everytime, when I come here, I will have a different feeling.
This time, its something, undescribable.
My feelings are so mixed up. I feel lost.
Shes changed. Shes so sensitive now, maybe only today. All I said was just something, and she flared up. What is it man. Here I am, trying to prevent something bad from happening, and there you are, making something bad happen. Are you nuts?
Its been 20plus years. 20plus. You could tolerate it for 20plus years, but why not now? Everyday, you have to make things get more complicated. But, do you know how hurt I feel? Do you know that whenever you both quarrels, the one that feels the most is me? You both feels oblivious to me. Why do I say that? Simply because if you both feels, you both won't quarrel. Who would be so silly to make themselves hurt?
Everyday, I feel so lost. I feel so hard on the way home. Why? Cause I am scared. I am afraid that when I get home, something bad will happen, I will see something which I don't want to. But what can I do? I will still have to get home, and face the reality. The reality that hurts.
Lets just hope that things will get better. ((:
As each minute passes, I get more tired. My heart hurts so much.
I am lost this time, really.
All I want is for peace to stay, thats all.
5:44 PM
God wanted me to know this today:
You've got to live life, not think about it. Step into the midst of things, try and ...fail and learn and stand up again. The question is not whether you will or will not make mistakes - you will. The question is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck? Take that step you've been avoiding. You can succeed, or you can get feedback that it didn't work, but in either case you are sure to feel alive.
Its rather true, but how? I have lost all the confidence to take the step out, and accept the reality. The truth always hurts, thats why people lie. Maybe all I need is time.
Actually , I am here today , to rant about other things.
So, yea...
Sometimes , I really look up to those people, whereby they don't have a good family background, and by right they are supposed to be easily influenced. They should be those that will smoke, and are rather bad. But they aren't. They are able to hold back, and resist the temptations eventhough they do not have a good family background.
What about me? I don't have a really good family background, but I have better ones than them, I think. But what did I do in the past? I was unable to resist the temptation, and I became someone really bad. Is it me, or the world? I am always doing the bad things, and I don't realise the mistake until I have really learnt. Is it cause of my character? Or is it called Life ? I don't really know. Someone tell me alright.
Its been months since the last stick. I ain't doing it anymore, at least not till when I get abit older. But, the feeling is still there. Whenever theres a topic about it, I will still think about it. I guess, I am just holding back. I guess, I have not changed. Its just that I practise more self-control, more self-discipline. Thats why I don't walk back to the path. Maybe its the law too. Who knows, 3years down the road. I may walk back to that kind of life again. By then, I may not be the Juliana that you know now. Maybe I will still be the same, like I said, I am just holding back now.
All in all, I ain't sure. This road is full of many uncertainties. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, next month, next year, or a few years down the road. But, I don't even know how I feel now. I always have a mixed feeling. A feeling of lost. A feeling whereby I want to say out but I don't know how to start. I guess, I am still in the midst of changing. I ain't a saint afterall.
Alright, till then . ((:
I guess this will be the place where all my feelings go.
3:31 PM
I guess I had been too complacent . Everything had been rather smooth sailing . But after today , its not.
This is my 3rd year , and everything came to me easily before that. This is the first time, maybe second, that I had a setback here . It practically tore me down into pieces. I was shock. I guess I was over-confident. It hit me down, from one piece into many. My heart shattered like glass.
Almost everyone had smiles on their faces. Only mine was a frown. I told myself a million times that I would do better next time, but it did not work. It didn't. Tears still drop. No one saw, I guess.
I had lost all the confidence. I am being knocked down. Before that , I thought that it would bring me up from everything. I thought that it would put a good full-stop to today training, as it did not had a good start and it practically sucked. In the end, it ended with even worse results.
This time, I am really being knocked down. All my confidence vanished. I had this similiar feeling sometime back. It was about ENGLISH. It was rather expected. But this, its totally unexpected. I feel so lousy. Infact, after today, I think I really am.
All of a sudden, it feels so hard to put on a smile.
9:52 PM
Priorities . Which one first ? I don't think I can differentiate . I have been out this feel weeks . Frisbee , games , outings . Everything , except for my main priority , study . I don't know what am I up to . But , I ain't focused , maybe not enough .
Everything seem to be a distraction to me. At least , almost every . I don't have the motivation to study. Is it that I don't put in enough effort ? Whenever I get home , I get really tired. Everything starts to come to me , and I am steered away from the books.
I want to be focus , but my mind isn't trying to. I know whats my priority , but my mind doesn't seem to be following it. Whats the problem ? As everyday passes , everything seems blurred up. I don't know what am I trying to do , what am I doing.
I feel tired , really tired everytime. I don't want to do anything, all I want to do is to sit and stone. Sounds emo , I guess alot will say, but I ain't. I am just tired. Tired of everything.
Okay, enough of all my rantings. I guess I shall try my best to be focused soon. ((:
And I mean it , real soon.
8:50 PM